I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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