im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
