burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
