I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
