we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
