We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
