I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
