A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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