That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Boobs are out for the taking
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
