Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
