I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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