on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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