Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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