Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
