I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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