My liver just broke up with me...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
