Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
