Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
