My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
