So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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