After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
