I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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