worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
