hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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