R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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