i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
