do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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