there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
