i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
