We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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