my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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