Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
