My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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