My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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