He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
