Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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