I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
