I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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