the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
