So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
