it wasn't lemon gatorade
I met the friendliest cop last night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
