we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize