saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
