I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
