he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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