Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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