You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She bit a glass in half.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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