I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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