things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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