Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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