it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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