No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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