Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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