I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
