I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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