I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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