toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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