So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
