Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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