it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
