quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
