He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
